@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

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@Breadery

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

@

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@LlamaInaTux

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@fuzzlime

I pronounce CHampagne & CHandelier like CHimp so the lower class thinks I’m “approachable” & the upper class thinks I’m “eclectic”

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@roxiqt

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

@Eliixoo

“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”

Tea-quila