ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
roman pirates be like 10 marks the spot
I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*