@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

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@wequiwa

If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@audipenny

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

@sheseemslegit

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@liv_thatsme

Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.

@Tmoney68

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed