@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

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@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@karanbirtinna

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@CrockettForReal

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

@kirbys4losers

I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.

@steeve_again

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*