why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

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If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.


When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.


Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now


Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

disappointed viewer.


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.


“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef



Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back


I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.


My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed