why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
#math
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!