@ReaIlyHighGuy

Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.

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@ahoytheboat

my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.

@DanMentos

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@AmishPornStar1

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@trojansauce

ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope

@sannewman

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.