Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.

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my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.


Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”


“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.


My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.


Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen


Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?


ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope


Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.