@ReaIlyHighGuy

Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.

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@jakery

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

@OctopusCaveman

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

@VodkaShorebird

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

@wolfpupy

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

@patrickmarkryan

*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@DaddyJew

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.