mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*throws caution to the wind*
*wind blows it back in my face at 100 mph*
*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* “the leather keeps sticking to my back” “for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on”
HER: I’m ending this
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.