my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.
Why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 11 12.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.