@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

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@TheAlexNevil

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

@scot7a

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

@UnfilteredMama

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

@mc_funbags

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@LeahBonnema

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Now what’s the rule, son?

11yo: *sighs* If his first album came out after 2000, I can’t call him a rapper.

Me: You’re learning…