Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
he was correct
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?