@SomeChrisTweets

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

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@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@Book_Krazy

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

@carlyken

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

@randypaint

dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry

hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands

dumbledore: do i look like a wizard

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article