Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*