My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Boom, boom, ching!
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.