@mostly_cheese

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

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@DrCephalopod

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

@mynameisntdave

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

@MelvinofYork

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

@Sophie2078

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

@copymama

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

@DadInUtah

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@realHamOnWry

In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@Reverend_Scott

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST