Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*


ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair


The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”


God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly


I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.


professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting


RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-