WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock