WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi