“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
You are what you delete.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.