why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.