bought wrong eggs
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law