Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon