Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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Me: Same
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it