@turtledumplin

Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?

Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?

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@blade_funner

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

@AndyAsAdjective

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

@HlessHman

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

@girl_a_whirl

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@Darlainky

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@permanentpenis

my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do i take flowers or…?