My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING
Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.