[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.