Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.

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My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING


Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun


People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals


SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’


The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.