“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.

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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.


Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.


What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business


Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*



Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.


“People want to feel special.. they’ll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it.” – Executives at Coke


“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”


There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.


*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*