@Kamikaze_Blonde

“Why would anyone lie on the internet?”

I asked, as Hugh Jackman carried me to the bedroom.

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@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@GlennyRodge

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

@zachreinert03

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

@Marlebean

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

@Blunder_Woman

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

@Livsey1

“People want to feel special.. they’ll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it.” – Executives at Coke

@ItsAndyRyan

“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@thenatewolf

*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*