Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I don’t get marriage
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left