my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m
Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.
I don’t complain when my neighbours have loud sex. I heckle.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …