why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.