@IamEnidColeslaw

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

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@Shenaniglenns

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

@Barknado69

Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much

@WorldWideWob

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board u
ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Oh shit

@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

@Abusitron

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

@TheBoydP

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

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