@IamEnidColeslaw

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

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@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@TheAlexNevil

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@Home_Halfway

Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@bngzyface

Being alone in the desert for 40 days and nights sounds nice.