me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[eulogy]
line?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Are you ok, human???
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes