just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You Might Also Like
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?