@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

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@hippieswordfish

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!

@ibid78

Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”

@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@BGH70

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

@JTQuest

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

@delusions_of

I try to pick my battles wisely but earlier I slapped a microwave while screaming at it.

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@iGreenMonk

I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out