My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Autocorrect is my menesis
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials