Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things