Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.


BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.


The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png


If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.


*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.


I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.


STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”


if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes


I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.