BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Beware…..
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Well well well…
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider