Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
You Might Also Like
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
what’s really going on
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out