@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

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@a_simpl_man

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

@SkinnerSteven

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

@Jacob_Swift16

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since

@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

@JulesShmules

H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.

@difficultpatty

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.