@KimMonte10

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

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@TheBoydP

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

@decentbirthday

[2025]

student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you

@BarkyBoogz

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

@crocodilethumbs

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

@angrypumpkins

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

@kathybotteas

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”