[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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student: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”