*uses Ouija board*
??? ????? ??? ???
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
Him: I’m heading to the gym
Me: I’m heading to the fridge
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon