@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

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@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

@ObscureGent

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

@IncrediblyRich

If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon