why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Storm Tropical Storm
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
peep davidson
*puts cutlery down*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
adding to the discourse