why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

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ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down


ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.


Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.


If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.


“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.


me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you


I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon