ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.