@KevinFarzad

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.

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@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@MarfSalvador

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

@Home_Halfway

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@lecalabara

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

@KalvinMacleod

BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

@MelodiMoon

The Frito Lay truck I’m tailing says ‘Driver doesn’t carry cash.’ Hahahaha. I’m not interested in cash.

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.