[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though