I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?
When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.