@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@TheSuccuBish

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

@Darlainky

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze