*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
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Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.