<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
live long and prosper!
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino