“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…