If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.