Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
i did the math
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
what?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex