Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about