Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Lmao
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends