“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*holds a grudge
Grudge: Get off me.
DOC: good news is you’ll make it
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
me: hold me while i sleep