Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I hate my earbuds.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.