why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…