We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”