I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
*pronounces patio like ratio
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.