Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Noah was an idiot.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.