Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

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WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time


Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.


Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.


If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.


*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.


Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!


Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.


[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.



Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow