ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
You Might Also Like
Will you have sex with me?
Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.