@iMikosnyc

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

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@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@vincevangone

Infomercial: “Have you been trying to stay fit, but simply can’t get any results?”

Me: *mouthful of fries* YASS!!!

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow