Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it