Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

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9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine


[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened


[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”


Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.


ME: I’ll sleep on it.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.


Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone


I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean


In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.


“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car