Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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I didn’t realize that was an option
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”