Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

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[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk


Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.


If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.


Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.


NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You’re welcome.


[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time