@notmythirdrodeo

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

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@continentlbkfst

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

@_Water_Baby

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@JayUhOh

Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.

@Bluestmoon_

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider.

You’re welcome.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time