@notmythirdrodeo

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

You Might Also Like

@isabelzawtun

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

@murrman5

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

@david8hughes

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

@mofrorock

Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.

@funflaps

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

@GrantTanaka

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

@Aspersioncast

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car