gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: ‘remove cap & push up bottom’. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.
Man I love unicorn mating season…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”