Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You Might Also Like
Come back with a warrant
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I think the cat got the dog high.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.