both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
taking June’s advice to heart
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher