#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Home #decor warning.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?