Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You Might Also Like
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
spot the difference
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer