why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying