Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You Might Also Like
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns